hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Straight people are cancelled
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Happy weekend !
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*