People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
getting groceries
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”