“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
What the hell happened in there??
You are what you delete.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.