Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Still a very good boi….
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field