Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude