Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for