Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Barbie gone wild
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
this post was so formative to me
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Okey dokey.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…