@Reverend_Scott: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
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@SaraMansford: Netflix: Want to keep watching? Me: Do we really need to do this? Netflix: It's just, it's been 75 hours and I can hear your kids crying.
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok