@Reverend_Scott: Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Why didn't you text me? I'll never call you back. Like, ever. You'd have better luck with a telegram.
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@AbbyHasIssues: I feel like whoever named it a "magic marker" was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
@ArfMeasures: HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we're stuck on this desert island ME: Actually it's a "deserted" island H: Ok so that was easy
@murrman5: [backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
@jonnysun: *sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait-- WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT