Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it