@fatguythe: Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they've been getting along lately and there's nothing on tv tonight.
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@_sweet_ham: Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it's the thought that counts.
@mexinonblonde: My 2 year old granddaughter sounds like Eddie Vedder when she talks. And like Eddie I love the shit out of her but I can’t understand a god damn thing she says. The struggle.
@TheToddWilliams: [boss's office] BOSS: Do you like my fire place? ME: Actually, it's one word: "fireplace" BOSS: You're fired ME: Oh, I get it now