Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
“you recording!?”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.