Sing it!
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Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Velcrow
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.