Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.