If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet