[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
the red hot silly peppers
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?