[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Battery falling down a hole
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I have never related to anyone more.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.