@Tw1tter_K1tten: Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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@pleatedjeans: Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
@Dadpression: "This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we'll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd" -Toddlers
@wolfpupy: thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds. Me: That's a cam- Wife: ... Me: Yes. Yes they do.