@Tw1tter_K1tten: Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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@petemandik: Scientists report global context shortage. "I guess I'll have flan," some scientist said, totally out of context.
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?
@thegreatnanak: She: why are you dressed up as a duck? Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?