Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
They’re on their honeymoon
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
is this meant to deter me
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES