[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Cat is stressing him out.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Incredible customer service.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
*ernest hemingway voice*
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name