@Schmoodles: High cholesterol food will always have a special place in my heart.
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@iRowlf: All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.