Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Stonehinge
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”