high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
OMG 🤣🤣
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
What the hell happened here.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.