‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
next question.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Meanwhile in Portland…
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
ACED my prostate exam!
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.