‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Saturday
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.