If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
why no one uses midhusbands