“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I have no passwords left in me
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.