I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I feel attacked.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call