[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
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[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.