High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”