[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.