Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.