[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.