[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
did it work
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.