[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.