[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”