[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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where the womens at?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I wanna be friends with this person
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.