[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.