[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
💁🏻♂️
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour