[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
You Might Also Like
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”