[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Trumpy Cat
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR