@SJSchauer: One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said "do you like air conditioning" and I said "yea" and he said "me too." and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

@ashmensch: [getting cremated] Ahh, I've finally reached my ideal weight.

@MelvinofYork: Well hello, "Party-Size" bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

@PanicRestroom: It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

@Wtftab: Useful information: don't turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.