[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.