high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.