[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in