[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
You Might Also Like
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Childbirth is so beautiful
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
sleeping beauty
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.