[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior