[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Wise advice
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Hell yeah 👍
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
The devil.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!