[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.