[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)