[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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I need this for my side hustle.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much