#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Have a lovely day 😊
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.