Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it