Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.