ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
felt that
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries